FREESTYLIN'
| Me: | Mom, what's the recipe for this dish?? |
| Mom: | No recipe. Freestyle. |
| Me: | Mom, what's the recipe for this dish?? |
| Mom: | No recipe. Freestyle. |
| Me: | so i applied for a research on nuclear weapons position at columbia over the summer and the professor emailed me back and wants to interview me next week! so maybe i will get it! |
| Mom: | O, my god. 核武器 [nuclear weapons] research? |
| Me: | not science haha. like a study group or think tank. |
| Mom: | OOOOOOOOOO |
| Mom: | my god. |
| Me: | they will pay me $5000 |
| Mom: | but if you have to expose 核武器 [nuclear weapons] to get this intern. |
| Mom: | YOU WILL NOT GO. |
| Me: | hahhaahahaha no wayyy mom |
| Mom: | it better is |
| Me: | MOM that's like not even possible |
| Mom: | or if you have to work in the 核武器 [nuclear weapons] lab? NO NO FOR LAB. |
| Me: | NO it's not science research. it's like policy research. |
| Mom: | OK. PLS MAKE SURE WHAT YOU SUPPOSE TO DO? |
(As background info, I am running for student council and a Columbia username is called a UNI. I sent my mom an email telling her that I followed her advice and switched to the largest meal plan for next year.)
FROM: Mom
TO: Daphne
SUBJECT: Switched to dining plan A
Good job, Daphne. I do not think you have time to cook your meal everyday. So Plan A is a right choice. You still can cook and have fun with your friends during the weekend. Otherwise, cooking will cause a problem for your next school year. right?
How about houseing? email them and confirm that you want to be in campus. Tell them, you like to have in campus or closest to campus one. of course, at campus is the best choice.
I want to vote for you, but it required UIN. ha…………….
| Ever wondered what would happen if you accidentally texted your Asian mom about Pretty Little Liars instead of your friend? Well... | |
| Mom: | Sumo knows 7:45 p.m. That's why he always sits in front of the door to wait for Yumi. |
| Friend: | Wha? He's so smart |
| Friend: | All the guys are hot |
| Friend: | Spencers not pretty |
| Mom: | ?? Who is spencer? Who is hot? |
| ME: | this morning, i met with a Chinese delegation of students from different universities in china like hangzhou, tsinghua, etc. and i talked to them in chinese haha. we had breakfast with dean moody-adams! |
| MOM: | really, good job. do they understand what you are talking about in chinese? |
| ME: | haha yeah my chinese is bad but i can tell that it is much much better than before, but they said i have taiwanese accent. CAN YOU BELIEVE IT |
| MOM: | that is true. even me had taiwanese accent for whatever reason. |
| ME: | haha how is that possible |
| MOM: | We are not 100% china accent. We are mixed. |
| ME: | i don't want to be mixed! ew! |
| MOM: | you already mixed. too late. |
| MOM: | as long as is chinese is good enough. who cares about accent. right. |
| MOM: | some thought me is not 100% chinese as well. they thought me 50/50 of chinese and white. ha...... |
| ME: | lolol sureeee |
| MOM: | who cares. |
| Me: | except you look completely chinese haha |
| Mom: | from your point view is yes. but some people thought i only half of chinese. I do not know why |
| Mom: | whatever. |
| Mom: | any feedback for internship yet? |
| Me: | no :( |
| Mom: | Ok, go to sleep now. bye. |
| ME: | hi mommy. i saw barack obama's head today! |
| MOM: | really, where? at school? |
| ME: | he had a fundraising dinner in new york |
| MOM: | ic |
| ME: | so i got to try to go see him for newspaper, but i only got to see his head in the car. |
| MOM: | ask for internship if possible. |
GO MOMS
Text message from mom: “That is so sweat than u baby”
Translation: That is so sweet, thank you baby
My mom is obssessed with me finding a Chinese husband while I’m at Columbia. (My grandparents too. They said Korean is also okay. But not Japanese.)
Guidelines for this important task that my mom sent me back in January, translated poorly into English:
- Hands and feet. Men with big hands are strong. A man’s hand should be large and thick. It is also better for a woman’s hands to be large rather than small. The most important thing is to have thin, long fingers, like wooden rods. These hands may look ugly, but their owners have good lives. They won’t just marry rich husbands, but have their own careers. Small, plump hands may appear to be very delicate and precious, but these women will usually have relatively mediocre lives.
- Face. There are no laws that say what types of faces will guarantee a good life, but the contour of the face is very important. High forehead, high brow, then better luck. It is said that those with faces like vegetables are more handsome, but those with meaty faces will lead better lives.
- Teeth. Must have orderly rows of teeth. Smaller teeth is better than big teeth. Big teeth with gaps means he is fated to frustrations in life.
- Hair. People with soft hair will have better lives than people with rough hair.
- Butt. People who have meat in their buttocks have money. Relative to the body, the butt should be big. This is particularly more important for men. Thin flat buttocks means that this person is wanting.
Damn, my ma’s always watchin out for me.
